Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
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when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.