you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
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Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.