Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
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“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY