Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
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If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*