NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
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Bring it.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.