One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
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Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Good dog. ❤️
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys