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When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.