It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
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if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
lol
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it