Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
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How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.