Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
You Might Also Like
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however