I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
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me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
rise and shine we got egg
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*