I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
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At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Made something I’m not proud of
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English