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2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Time for evil
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No