“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
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NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Twister but it鈥檚 just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I鈥檝e got little arms
doctor: get out
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
i forgot my date鈥檚 name so i took her to Starbucks
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that鈥檚 a lot of cat gifs.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Bear: What鈥檚 the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i鈥檓 gonna kill god.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 馃檹
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn鈥檛 this shovel working?
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Our vision of Hell doesn鈥檛 come from the Bible; it鈥檚 a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”