If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
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[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
i dont have time for this
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes