You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now