My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
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Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
#dalle2
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*