The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
You Might Also Like
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Reporter: *ports again*
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone