Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
You Might Also Like
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“How’s your day going?”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”