I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
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Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.