Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
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Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
The sacred texts.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.