Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
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just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions