*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
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Stick it to the man
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.