If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
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*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
getting corrected
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.