Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
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“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.