me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
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Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.