I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
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Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
That’s not how days work.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.