[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
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Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
damn he’s good
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.