Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
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BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Shower sex be like:
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I’m calling the cops.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????