Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
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Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Is your wife single?
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…