Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
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“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious