New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
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Thursday
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen