Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
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terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me