Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
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The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Morning.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.