Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
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Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.