You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
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Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫