ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
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The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…