*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
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If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.