(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Growing up was a huge mistake
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
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Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Cheer up.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?