The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
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Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*