Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
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“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.