Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
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Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
My typo game is string.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Childbirth is so beautiful
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.