*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
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Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Me trying to reach for my goals
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT