[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
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Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
@ candidates for local office
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED