Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
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I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows