“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
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Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Flowers bee like
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.