Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
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Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
😬
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
My good tweets are in my other pants.