The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
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I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.