[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
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mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Good morning, Twitter x
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.