dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
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Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook